The battle for control

Posted by Administrator | November 11, 2017 | Blog

So I had a fight with my husband yesterday. It was tough. We had a difference of opinion on something and I reacted. Then I realized, there was no justification for what I did. I had absolutely no right to treat him, me or our marriage that way, it was disrespectful.

Letting go of guilt

I began to get upset with myself, but then I realized that I was frightened and I did something stupid. That’s when we do stupid things. I could forgive myself for it and I could easily acknowledge my wrong-doing. Once I realized this, I sincerely apologized to him.

I’mnot justifying my behavior. It was WRONG. Yet, I see that at that moment, it was what I thought I had to do. So ok, I can let go of that. Wrong, stupid but understandable. Not justifiable, just understandable.

Taking a pause

I was still feeling unsettled and sad. So I stopped. Allowing myself to feel what I was really feeling, here is what I found. This is all about control. I have let go of a lot of control in my relationship in many places, but one place I have not let go is, I want to control what my husband thinks…not about everything, but I want to control what he thinks about ME.

What happened yesterday was I got scared because I did not like what he was thinking.

Because I was trying to control him, when he told me what he really thought and I didn’t like it, I reacted. I wanted to change his mind. I wanted him to think what I wanted him to think.

In that moment, when I couldn’t control what he was thinking, I got more and more angry. He did nothing. He just told me what he thought. What I had to get clear was that he has an absolute right to those thoughts and I have NO RIGHT to try to control or change them.

In that moment, when I couldn’t control what he was thinking, I got more and more angry. He did nothing. He just told me what he thought. What I had to get clear was that he has an absolute right to those thoughts and I have NO RIGHT to try to control or change them.

Perspective comes after you react

Looking at it all now, I fought because I did not see where I actually wanted to control his thoughts and feelings. The truth is I have no control over either. His thoughts are his thoughts. His feelings are his feelings. It is not that I don’t care about them. I do. I care about them deeply.

I am honored that he is willing to tell me the truth and share his thoughts and feelings with me. What I didn’t see is how I was disrespecting that. I fought with him because I didn’t like what he says or thinks. This makes me a control freak!

The interesting thing is I can acknowledge all of that in myself without feeling badly. This is a gift that I am grateful for. I am sad that I hurt Miguel. I am sad that I acted that way. I get that this is what is in me and this is the pattern that I need to break. I didn’t see it before.

I am grateful for the fight that day, because it allowed me to see. Now the work to change that pattern begins.